I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
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bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
A new level of troll.
🤣🤣🤣
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Worst perfume name ever.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I’M CRYINGGG
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
The old gods are rising again.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.