I need a long hot meteor shower
You Might Also Like
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.