Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!