Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is