Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble