Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

Oddly specific

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”

siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”

siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”

siri google “syria where that is”

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital