I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
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I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I’m having an out of money experience.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.