Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

Grandpa

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.