I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
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Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Camping tip: No.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.