Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

🙂🐾

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

sugar glider wrangler

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.