WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
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ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”