I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
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god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
😜
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.