Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KFC hitting the cannibal market

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.