I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
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Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
My life in a nutshell
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.