Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

Same pineapple, same

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

KFC hitting the cannibal market

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

ATMs should have breathalyzers

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.