Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

I think this might be relevant today.

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.