I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
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Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
incredible book dedication
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.