I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
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ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.