I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
You Might Also Like
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Every BBC series about the universe.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.