I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
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CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Okay this one takes it home
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.