I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
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I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
wut hotdog?
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.