i need a six-month vacation twice a year
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Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Most Common Source of Electricity
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi