i need a six-month vacation twice a year
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Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort