Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

NOT all policemen are strippers.

Yeah. This was me today.

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.