i need a six-month vacation twice a year
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Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm