Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

What number SPF blocks people?

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.