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Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
me working on my assignments ^-^
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same