Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

Respect

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

ew if literal: let me be clear

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

Lmao

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.