Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing