I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
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[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume