Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now who done made this a sport lmao

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”

No. No you do not.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

Me recordaron éste meme

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.