I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.