I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
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Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
welp
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
plums roundup
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents