I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
You Might Also Like
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then