“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Priorities
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
