“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
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Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Bootstraps
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead