I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
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Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
