I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
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I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?