Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

Everyone’s family

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters