I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
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#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door