I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
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I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out