I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
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I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.