I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
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My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Order here:
More here:
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I think this might be relevant today.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.