Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.