I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
You Might Also Like
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
You can’t rush stupid.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Punctuation Matters. Period.