Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*