I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
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If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good