“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
You Might Also Like
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.