Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

Sorry. Not sorry