Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

Same pineapple, same

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

My loaf of bread looks terrified

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.