“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
You Might Also Like
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Blew my mind.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.