Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.

It’s partly why I became a bus driver.

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

What a year we’ve had this week.

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.