Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

🤣

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

🫡

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

Who will tell him he’s not a dog !

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.