I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
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Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
