I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
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The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.