Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
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“Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is beautiful to hear in a children’s classroom – but not at the site of a plane crash.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”
Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.