I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

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Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.


“Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is beautiful to hear in a children’s classroom – but not at the site of a plane crash.


2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!


Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year


*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask


Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?


“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :


I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.


Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.


Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.