@abbycohenwl

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

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@carlielyn

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

@on_the_fritz_17

“Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is beautiful to hear in a children’s classroom – but not at the site of a plane crash.

@Jmboyd58

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

@Bob_Janke

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

@LeBearGirdle

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

@Andrea__B__

Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?

@JBusch260

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

@DanielEdison_

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

@robfee

Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.

@HousewifeOfHell

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.