Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine