I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
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Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
pls suprot
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters