“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
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Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
Already got one
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
An odd boast
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”