“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
You Might Also Like
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Tough love is true love