“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
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*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.