I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
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Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
nature’s most graceful animal
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
If looks could kill