I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
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Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.