@jeff_ratfamily

I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I’m driving

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@SwedishCanary

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

@Shenaniglenns

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

@WheelTod

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

@realHamOnWry

Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.

@UnFitz

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

@AristotlesNZ

Love how dog food commercials advertise tastier formulas like that matters when deciding what to buy & feed a pet who eats its own vomit.

@XGroverX

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

@imogenjayy

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

@JermHimselfish

I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30’s not living up to his full potential.