@jeff_ratfamily

I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I’m driving

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@OrangeFact

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

@KyleMcDowell86

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

@Bill_Nye_Tho__

elephants sleep standing up you could be chillin with an elephant and at any moment they could just be like “lmao for sure, g’night”

@KeetPotato

stewardess: “sir you aren’t allowed to smoke that during the flight”
me: [putting a salmon back in my hand luggage] “this is such bullshit”

@MomOnFire

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

@Mom_Overboard

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

@WilliamAder

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

@WilliamAder

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

@mattgallo123

“Don’t be shy!”

-people who don’t understand how genetically determined character traits work