I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I’m driving

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Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™


KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist


elephants sleep standing up you could be chillin with an elephant and at any moment they could just be like “lmao for sure, g’night”


stewardess: “sir you aren’t allowed to smoke that during the flight”
me: [putting a salmon back in my hand luggage] “this is such bullshit”


Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.


No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.


Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.


If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.


“Don’t be shy!”

-people who don’t understand how genetically determined character traits work