I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I’m driving

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I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving


[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots


[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!


Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.


If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,


Love how dog food commercials advertise tastier formulas like that matters when deciding what to buy & feed a pet who eats its own vomit.


I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.


Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.


I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30’s not living up to his full potential.