Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
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Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
New Tinder profile.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂