I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
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Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
I mean…but I did
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I have questions??
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!