I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
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I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
how DARE
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.