I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
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Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
multitasking lunch
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one