I need better friends
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When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
That was easy.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
🤣🤣
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.