Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.