Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why am I like this?

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.