Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

kitchen magnet

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.