I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc
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I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
the greatest twitter interaction
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.