“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
