“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Writing, She Murdered.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
